Last year, before I moved into this cabin....
...people had told me that all that quietness wasn't for me. 'I'll give you a week,' they said - to be precise.
I didn't understand what the heck they were talking about. I didn't feel hurt, don't get me wrong. I just felt truly puzzled. How was it possible that my prediction on how my fate with the little cabin was gonna go was so very different from theirs? It made me question myself, I must admit. Instead of saying 'Oh, how great it's gonna be, how absolutely, truly magical' (something I felt nevertheless true), I transferred to saying 'Oh you know, I need to try it and we'll see'.
Well, guess who turned out to be right.
I.
WAS.
RIGHT.
I was so right that now I do feel angry for having questioned myself just because others questioned me. And in these winter days, I keep telling myself, 'Yes, this year, too, I'll go back'. I was so right that if you offered me the option of choosing between
a) being able to return to the little cabin - right now
or
b) going on a fully funded trip to South Korea (something otherwise I could die for)
...I'd still choose my little cabin, a thousand times. A THOUSAND TIMES. This house. Yes. I'll add the same picture again just so you can look at it once more:
You're welcome.
Anyway, this post is not about my cabin (although I hope I'll be able to check in from there this year - let's hope and pray), it's something of a continuation of my previous post. A bit of self-reflection, a bit of nonsense, and a micro-review (or rather - a mention) of Dr. Julie Smith's Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? (If you've got no idea what the heck I'm talking about, check out my previous post.
Here's the link: https://thefearlessfrock.wixsite.com/bunny/post/january-my-love )
And here's the book, once again:
But let's get back to the topic of my little cabin. What I learned from everyone trying to predict the outcome of my affair with it (or quite frankly: scare me away) is that:
a) people feel extremely entitled to share their opinion on you, even when you don't ask for it
and
b) you know best
Truly. At the end of the day, you have the biggest insight into yourself (duh) and the world, oddly, tends to get so many things so wrong all the time that it's very often completely unreliable. The amount of times people in my close proximity have gotten my nature completely wrong (although there are those ones too, of course, who get you uncannily right) is unhinged. To be fair, to be seen and understood isn't always comfortable either. An experience I'd illustrate like this:
Some side-note (although this post seems to be rather a series - or maybe a jungle - of side-notes): I have someone, more like an extra (not by blood, but nevertheless a) family member who once said; 'Someone who gets your nature that well... That's very rare. Hold onto them. '
So, what I learned from the story of the cabin is that at the end of the day, you know yourself best and if you have strong intuition about something, just go for it.
I've always had extremely strong intuition, and I used to think that I was a spoiled b*tch, because when my intuition-bells started ringing, there was no way I could go against them, even when reason told me so. And I thought I was broken by default. But then, a psychologist told me that I should feel lucky, because our intuition tells us what we truly, deeply desire - and it gives us a good chance to fight for happiness. According to her, many (many) people are not at all in tune with their intuition or gut feelings. These days, I think she was very right.
My last few years have been rather challenging (as a result of my following my intuition instead of reason) and just like everyone when struggling, I too tried to find an explanation of what was wrong with me - by looking for a label. Yes. I self-diagnosed myself. But hear me out. It helped a lot. When things (feelings, reason or just the general trajectory of our lives) go astray, I think we instinctively try to find answers and comfort. For me, this - besides faith - mainly entails trying to label things as though only organising jars in our pantry.
A jar of dried lemongrass, a jar of strawberry jam, a jar of expired coconut milk.
(In fact, I think this is quite a human reaction).
I can get incredibly anxious, at the cost of my general health, and often at the cost of sleep. When something unwelcomed happens, my fingers go ice cold and numb, I can easily drift towards panic. I may feel incredibly fearful when anything unforeseen hits me, and just like people great at planning - I'm, in fact, absolutely awful at adapting. Or just being flexible. For a long time, I thought this surely couldn't be anxiety, because, at the end of the day, it didn't debilitate me. If anything, objectively, it just made me more successful. I've won competitions, got top grades, never even failed an exam in my whole life, finished my degrees with distinction. But as I learned from Dr. Julie Smith, there's a thing called high-functioning anxiety: something that makes you want to secure everything - so you will be 100% protected - something that from the outside will make you look like a very successful person. You might study for an exam - out of fear - 24/7, and nail it...but navigate all of it as an absolute nervous wreck. She writes a lot about high-functioning anxiety in her book (read it, truly!) - but here is also a YouTube short of hers on the topic: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/adZNqbNGYaA
Her book helped me tremendously, and I truly find it a staple of basic mental health knowledge. I think I understand myself much better now - and as Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? helped me A LOT, maybe just to play with self-reflection, I wanted to add a bit of nonsense too. This is why I thought that in this post, I'd go through all the personality tests I've ever taken - and share how much I agree with my results. Some (most) of them are (of course) just a joke, but any conversation around ourselves and our souls may only move us further.
So, here are my test results (with links to the tests) - and my verdict on them, haha:
I am...
1.) ....Othello by Shakespeare
...from 'What Classic Book Matches Your Personality And What Does It Say About You As A Person?' (Buzzfeed quiz).
What can I say; we all know that random things we find online must be true, right?
I did the quiz and got Othello by Shakespeare. Interesting choice, I really didn't see it coming. Unfortunately, I haven't read Othello - yet - but I added it to my TBR, so I shall be back with my opinion (at one point), haha.
I liked this quiz a lot, it was fun! Check it out here:
And here is Othello according to Microsoft Bing. (I have SO MANY questions...)
2.)...a capricorn.
Ehh. Zodiac signs are not a personality test (strictly speaking), but I wanted to add mine nevertheless. I somewhat agree with it, I guess. I think I'm quite realistic at my core, especially when it comes to romance and what I can expect from people. I wouldn't say, though, that I'm money-oriented (I studied Aesthetics, I think that explains everything...), although I'm VERY interested in having a 'career'. Not a career in a fame sense, but a career in a sense of growth. I need space to grow and challenge myself. I cannot (or would not) want to do the same job till the end of time - without being able to move forward. Or attempt to fly.
Capricorn according to AI:
3.)...a Gryffindor.
(Thank God.) My intuition (haha) tells me I'm in the right house. Duh. :D The main traits of Gryffindors are courage and bravery. I do value these the most but also have some fear if I'm being honest. What if at the most crucial moment, I turn out to be a coward? But still, I'd rather be true in heart and brave in action than smart, kind or successful.
Also, when intuition - often in the form of adventure - hits me, I always jump into the midst of it. It, of course, causes a lot of anxiety. Although, as long as I can control my adventures, I'm pretty fine, but then, adventures are to be uncontrollable, aren't they? So with this, we're back to square one; am I inherently broken? Stop it, you! Actually, I think I'm lucky. I have a very strong desire and a hunger for adventures. What stands in my way is often anxiety. But then, Dr. Julie says that the answer to anxiety is (unfortunately) not inaction. It is moving step by step into your stretch zone. And if you keep practising, your stretch zone will eventually be your comfort zone. And then, your comfort zone will be bigger. So, I guess, adventures and I aren't done yet.
Find the official sorting test (written by Rowling, herself, as I know) here:
Gryffindor according to AI:
4.)...an INFJ-T.
The Myers Briggs Types (or 16 Personalities) are HUGE online, I have no idea how well-established the theory is, but the test is long, for sure. I must admit I didn't conduct a very deep dive into the meaning of my result, but what I learned is that INFJs are introverted, intuitive and feeling-oriented. As I understand it, they are kind of dreamers, but very practical too, so instead of being lost artist souls descending into creative madness, they do make things happen. (Dreamers with practical skills.) This combination makes them the rarest of all the 16 personality types - something INFJs online are often far too proud of. Before we get too conceited or vain, let me mention that according to online resources (researchers?), both Hitler and Stalin were INFJs - so it is not that of a flex, sorry. In my interpretation, INFJs analyse things, and create an idea on what's right or necessary (....) - they see a kind of 'bigger picture', but tend to drift away from seeing or acknowledging the cost. And then if they're completely mad but think they're right... Well, beware them. Because they might make things happen. I find this pretty dark. Martin Luther King was an INFJ too - just to share an inspiring example as well.
Do I belong here? Yes, I think so, although I'm not very happy about it. I do think that I (try to) navigate my life based on objective ideas.
Find the test here:
INFJs - according to AI:
5.)...a type 6
Ahh, the other cult-like personality test - Enneagram.
Enneagram has seven types, and after doing the test you get a main and a subtype (?). So, I got Type 6 and felt personally attacked haha. Type 6 is called The Loyal Sceptic. Type 6s are anxious and pessimistic and look out for potential danger and risk. They are loyal but can get dependent but can evolve into being committed, self-reliant and grounded too.
I don't feel very convinced (except for the anxiety part). Maybe because I've always been treated so extremely well by my environment - if anything, I'm rather feeling like I have a spotlight on me - I think trust, dependency and loyalty have never really been an issue in my life. Don't get me wrong, it's not my success or anything. I grew up in love and have had very close, very attentive friends ever since. I am privileged, and it's just mere luck - for which I feel incredibly grateful.
(My sub-type is Type 2 - The Considerate Helper. My opinion? I wish, ahaha. I'm trying - but still have A LONG way to go.) I think, in general, Enneagram isn't my cup of tea.
Find the test here:
Type 6 according to AI:
6.)...a fan of green.
Not much to explain. Green is undoubtedly the colour I gravitate towards the most, it rules my mind, haha. Not light green, but the deep and vivid shades. Emerald, probably. I found a lot of opinions online about what it means - and I'm not sure whom to quote, so I'll write in general terms. Green is often seen as tranquil, healthy, lush, refreshing and is often associated with money and envy too. I think I just love green because it is so smooth. It quietens my whirling mind. And that has already said a lot.
7.)...a gift giver. Aka; gift giving is my main love language.
At first - upon taking the five love languages quiz - I got quite unsatisfied with getting gift giving. I think we all associate gifts with being materialistic and it hit me that I must be very superficial. But then I read about it and realised that giving gifts is also (mainly) a gesture of saying; 'I thought of you, so I prepped/bought/created this for you.' It's about the effort and attention we put into it. Given how many postcards I write - and send envelopes sealed, decorated and stuffed with glitter or tiny things - this actually makes a lot of sense.
Find the test here: https://5lovelanguages.com/
And gifting according to AI:
Well, this is (my chaotic) all for today. We're still just at the beginning of the year - so when self-reflect, if not now? But do it with ease, do it with love. Play around.:)
Take care and hugs from the Fearless Frock!:)
Comments